Politically Incorrect

the Best of Pragyananda Mishra

# Vampires are blood honest. Unke irade NECK hote hain

# In the world of symbols its only the + which enjoys a Sumbhog ;)

# Fowl-Mouthed: Blurting out obscenities at the first serving of a Chicken dinner after a break of many days

# Way too much vampire stuff on TV. Those Neckromancers !

# Its Maha Shivratri today- Rise to the occasion with the Big Bhaang Theory!

# I salute the woman - One who, generally speaking, is generally speaking ;)

# A main-course at a gala dinner ends only with a inter-course late night ~ wise guy

# A very happy birthday to Uday Chopra. 

The only Director turned Actor turned Director turned Producer turned Extra

# The more you study the harder it is to convince your grandmother about your career path

# The Fund Raising of an orchestra is always a Band-Aid

# A Voyeur’s eyesight is tuned at the Peek Efficiency ;)

# Shoplifters are the few ones who have a Gift of the Grab

# Fight till the last strand of black hair. Dye Hard !  

# Dressmakers, catering to a pregnant clientele are Mother Frockers

# Bharat Bandh coincides with Jiah Khan’s birthday. Poor girl, she is Nishabd today !

# A swimsuit hottie is a girl worth wading for

# There are always few special ones. The Testimoanial types :P

# Arranged Marriage: NewlyWed

Love Marriage: KnewlyWed

You choose !

# A barter over sea food is a Squid-Pro-Quo

# Climbing up a train is difficult for fat people. 

Uncles, for decades have tried to Up the Aunty at those places ;)

# Sleeping with girlfriends since 1903, A Teddy Bear has seen it all.  #HappyTeddyDay

#Lingerie salesmen are Negli-Gents

# In spite of my protests my friend went for installing 6 aquariums in his new house.

It is a house of gill repute now !

# Pickpockets are the greatest optimists. They believe that every crowd has a silver lining ;)

# My MBA friend’s relationship with a hotel maid is not working out. Apparently she is more of an expert with spread-sheets !

#What do you call a share trader who is also a humorist?

.A Laughing Stock

#Sheldon, of late has become better. He is now an Amyable person

#Every Pandit is a Hymn-atwala

#Ageing has its own pitfalls. One is the loss of the never-say-dye attitude

# Quantum Physicists, on completing their work breathe a Ψ of relief

# Cricketer’s dilemma at food : Currydor of Uncertainty

# Lost my shoes at the temple. Thank God, I found there exists a sole-mate for me

# A frog’s mother always opposed his son venturing out to the open. 

Little did the son understand that she was always the WELL-wisher ;)

# In a text conversation ‘Awwww’ is the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything

# Ancient Romans as portrayed by the TV shows were an altogether different generation.

 They were the Gen-ITALIA ;)

# Indian Protester : AAM ADMI by day, SPAM ADMI by night

# The Cunning Linguist got a score of 96.69; Forget MBA he would be a Lay-man for life ;)

# With Butter and Pickles, North Indian food is always a delightful Ghee-motional Aty-achar ;)

# Hindu weddings prove the existence of an Altar Ego

# My friend is on track to become a fantastic orthopedist. His favorite topic is the Cast-ing Couch ;)

# Balding Lions hate Mane-o-pause

# Police Dogs are an Epitome of Conscentration

# Savitha Bhabhi would surely be having a good time. It’s world Aunty-Corruption day !

# Zoroastrians make the thriftiest of friends. The Parsi-monious type ;)

# FDI has to be something right. I was opposing it and got splattered all over by an IDF defender

# Donald Duck broke up with his girlfriend. His condition was best described as LackaDAISYcal

# Minding the pupils is a squintessential teacher’s worst nightmare

# Batch parties make celebrities. The Lager than Life type you know ;)

# Its Bal Divas. A reminder to look after the receding hairlines ;)

# Classmates: Morons

Special Classmates: Proxymorons

# The private browsing icon stands for Cognito Ergo Sum ;)

# Any one got a DVD of Ra.One ?

Let’s burn it and celebrate Dussehra ;)

# While conversing with a boy, 65% of all girls begin replying with a ‘no’ 

Stay awake.......It is their aNOmaalous behavior

# The spell checker went for a blood test. He had a tough time believing the report. He just could not get over the Type-O ;)

# Electrical Engineers are the only people proud of their current affairs ;)

# I am innovative and a risk taker when it comes to consuming and ordering lobsters

In other words I can become a EntrePrawneur some day !

# There is always a vas deferens between birth control methods #Man-hood

# Happiest birthday Shane Warne. The guy who bowled men and balled women

# Vital Statistics is all about mean, maiden and mood. 

# Female sheep bitch about Ewefamism #Hey Ram !

# Spanish counter strike players propose by the following words…te ammo ;)

# A movie name for 

1. A dying torrent

2. A soon-to-be plant

3. An ageing Vicky Donor

Wake Up Seed !

# A serial kisser is a Kal-muaaahhh ;)

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‘What Readers Shouldn’t Digest’: The Bollywood Issue

By Swetabh Kumar 

“To know more about your favourite celebs, type <name> and send it to 56565”, said the sensuous anchor of ZoomTV before signing off on an infectiously comforting note of “see you soon again”. Anyways, this blog isn’t about her being my 9647^th crush…instead, it is dedicated to my findings once I decided to fetch my phone and try the ‘56565-gimmick’ with a plethora of star names I could bring to mind. From the famous to the “accidentally famous’’ to the “waiting for such an accident” ones, a good chunk of the desi E-league was given a shot…and here are the ‘zoom’ed revelations :

1.  Shahrukh Khan apparently slapped producer Sirish Kunder at a bash, inciting the latter to like the ‘Sreesanth fan page’ on Facebook. Also, the Baadshah has decided to dance at fans’ wedding functions of late. You can now purchase his dignity (or the remains of it) for a little less than a crore per night. 

2.  Shahrukh Khan’s claims of “I’m the best” may sound more deplorable than Uday Chopra’s relaunch plans post Ra-one, but the King plans on a sequel directed by part-time spouse Karan Johar. Needless to say, the film stars genderless robots this time around.

3.   Anil Kapoor’s MI-4 stint was reportedly a minute-long audition for ‘India’s Got No Talent”, a Pakistan based reality show. The sudden disappearance, claims Anil, was also a fan-promo for Mr. India-2. Meanwhile, thanks to his reel presence in “Slumdog Millionaire”, critics are still debating if India’s portrayal in the flick was poverty-stricken or puberty-stricken.

4.   Salman Khan lately faced a massive uproar from all the 1411 tigers around the globe, post their viewing of his new flick. On being questioned about matrimony plans, the star retorted “My life, like my films, doesn’t have a script. It’ll happen when it has to.” Salman also stressed on how ‘Being Human’ is assisting needy folks in finding employment, starting with brothers Sohail and Arbaaz.

5.  Post Hide&Seek, Hrithik Roshan is all set to showcase his break dance skills for the upcoming ads of Vim Powder, Lizzat Paapad and Itch Guard. However, the actor won’t be part of Jodhaa Akbar-2, since the producers realized that King Akbar had only five fingers on the right hand. Also, in a sincere attempt to issue a statutory warning to the potential audience, the censor board has changed the title of the ‘Kites’ DVD to ‘Plights’.

6.  On intense public demand, Tusshaar Kapoor has agreed to add a question mark at the end of his film’s title: ‘Kya Super Kool Hai Hum’. Tusshaar is also distinguished as veteran dad Jitendra’s first flop production.(Pun intended??) On the TV front, sister Ekta kapoor is now claimed to be the ace factor behind wailing housewives. Domestic violence comes a close second.

7.  ‘Anu Malik judging Indian Idol for six seasons straight’ has apparently been cited by the UPA as a testimony to their success in the “NREGA-100 days of employment” programme. Dino Morea, Bobby Deol, Suniel Shetty and Jackie Shroff were notably spotted amongst the fresh applicants for the scheme. Jackie also used the stage to promote the soon-to-debut Tiger Shroff (who as opposed to public speculation, turned out to be his son and not his Alsatian).

8.  As per Zoom sources, Rohit Shetty has decided to replace Tushhaar Kapoor in the mute role for the upcoming installment of Golmaal. Hon’ble PM Shri Manmohan Singh was approached, who apparently turned it down owing to his prior commitments of ‘Iqbal-2’ and a sequel to “Chori Chori Chupke Chupke” called “Chupke Chupke Chori”. Nevertheless, the director is all confident of this next venture, and is not paying Archana Puran Singh to start the laughs at random theatres this time around.

9.  The man with an eye for socially relevant cinema, Madhur Bhandarkar plans his next on the epidemic issue of pampered kids growing up into wasted, ‘devoid of talent’ vessels owing to daddy’s billions. Needless to say, Mr. Amitabh Bachchan has been roped in for guidance with the script.

10. Priyanka Chopra admits to a fling with actor Shahid Kapoor, says she’ll ring the wedding bells as soon as the latter turns 12. Meanwhile, country’s favorite NRI Katrina Kaif has decided to forsake item numbers for a while since she feels they typecast her. This would be

the third addition to her “say NO to” list after Hindi proficiency and good acting. The move, however, is expected to hit hard the adolescent faction and YouTube Inc.

11.  Sorry, no text files found for your request of <Sunny_Leone>. You can however subscribe to her multimedia files only @ Rs. 50/month by typing <personal_stuff> on your mobile and sending it to 56565.

Thank You for using Zoom Services.

Copyright: Zoom TV

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Dear Madame

By Agent 112

Dear Sonia Madame,

I am sure that by now you are aware of the information circulating about you on the social networking sites, after all your son is hardly working and after wasting the taxpayer’s money on NSG protection and what-not hasn’t been able to revive Congress’s fortunes in UP! I wouldn’t verify any of the following allegations or claims, as my employ effectively depends on me keeping my mouth shut but I mention them to remind you of the information we hold, which could dissuade your efforts to sabotage us and by we and us I don’t refer to single group of people but to the collective masses at large. We are after all a nation of 120 crores; which is 1.2 Billion in case you don’t know.

Now that we have got these minor details out of the way, let’s get to the crux of what this letter is about. To be very frank and keep all references to your bureaucratic absence of incentive to do anything for your country to the minimum (albeit it be an adopted nation of yours or rather been forced upon you in all the wisdom possessed by the Late Shri Rajeev Gandhijee), I would like to simply state that your presence in India is unwanted by some; or many depending upon the way you look at it. Now, I understand you might be wondering if I am merely trying to lay down insults. However, that is what the liberal minded opponents of yours might think and I would dissuade you from any such interpretation of my words and implore you to take this as constructive criticism.

It actually isn’t even criticism since I am a great admirer of yours on account of your great tact in dealing several political crises and also on account of your unparalleled ability to avoid all mud stains that most of your lapdogs have acquired over this period of eight years. I am reminded that each time I take my dog out for a walk during the rains there is generally mud or dirt all over my pants, which you have rather miraculously avoided. You have walked blamelessly without the dark stains of coal on your sleeves, nor was your BP elevated by the radio waves of the 2G spectrum scandal. I am astonished by the skill with which you distanced yourself from the Andhra Pradesh government which has had multiple brushes with corruption. However those I cite here are cases that have surfaced publicly and as my extremely reliable sources tell me that all these are just the tip(s) of a mammoth iceberg.

And then there is the issue of citizenship, that of your esteemed self and that of Raul and Bianca as popular media has put it. Yes, I am aware of the circular{#J-15021/6/2012} that you passed via the PMO which was to squash all talk of Rahul Baba’s and Priyanka Biwi’s Italian citizenship. However proof of this is not of the highest importance because here in India even lies repeated often enough become the truth for the masses, and your propaganda campaign has done just that. I also remember with much regret what the father of Mrs. Indira Gandhi and our first Prime Minister had said: “Citizenship consists in the service of the country”. This service that was spoken of by your ancestor in-law is something that you are yet to completely grasp and fathom but perhaps it is not your fault but that of your party which failed to educate you.

I also would question you on your intent and by extension the ramifications of your possible occupation the PMO as was suggested by the UPA and the Congress. You see, although the constitution does allow it, do you really think the grass-root Congress workers will fall for this hoax? I wouldn’t be astonished if in some short time of your being declared the PM, to see cartoons surfacing in the media; but I will be curious towards your reaction to them, would you go the Didi way or that of your beloved Mr. Sibal?

I am very sorry to hear that the next PM could very well be Raul because contrary to the stringent requirements for us civil servants, a person who in his time failed Grade V is being projected as the heir apparent of the second highest office in India, at least constitutionally. I would ask you to repair these inconsistencies but I am also aware that you wouldn’t do so even if your life depended upon it. Thus to demonstrate your inaction

and inaptitude the letter is open to all.

Sincerely,

Agent 112

IB

Note: The narrator is an officer of India. Kindly do not enquire as to his identity.

The Higgledy-Piggledy Democracy of Indiana

By Manas Barpande

DISCLAIMER: All characters are real. Any resemblance to living or dead is absolutely intentional!

“Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power” – Abraham Lincoln.

Once upon a time, there occurred some geological changes in Asia which lead to the formation of the country Indiana. What Lincoln said long ago fits completely in the context of Indiana.

Indiana has been suffering from democratic paralysis right from its birth, but the recent hullabaloo in the political sphere concerns the upcoming Presidential nominations. The Presidential House awaits its new president and this has evoked the dormant dreams of many.

The two major alliances of Indiana are - Unctuous Pernicious Alliance and National Derogatory Alliance. Both are parties where morals go to die and in that respect they match each other evenly. At present Unctuous Pernicious Alliance is in power and, like in most coalition governments, the political parties in this ‘coalition’ too, suffer frequent ‘collisions’ with each other. Still one party needs to ride on other party’s coattails.  To solve the problem of presidential nominations Unctuous Pernicious Alliance has organized a meeting with all other alliances and regional parties in a ‘Seven-star’ hotel, under the pretext of discussing the means for the development of ‘slum’ areas.

The meeting started with a huge feast and I assume after watching some ‘hardcore’ err...action movies, the political leaders accumulated in the air-conditioned conference hall to put forward their choices for the nominations.

National Derogatory Alliance started by nominating a well known scientist cum ‘missile man’, but it was strongly opposed by some parties of the Unctuous Pernicious Alliance because they feared he might use his missiles to force them to take right decisions, as he did earlier! Next the major party of Unctuous Pernicious Alliance put forward the name of a well established industrialist. It was agreeable to many parties, but the female leader cum ‘common man’ of Taking No Commands refused straight away. ‘Sister’ said that the industrialist once wore a ‘Red’ shirt to a party and was hence a certified ‘Maoist’!  

After this heated discussion, Showbiz Party voted for a political leader from ‘minority community’, (Gotta work the vote bank yo), but it was opposed by National Derogatory Alliance and by the female leader cum ‘Behenji’ of Building Statues Party]. ‘Behenji’ accused said minority leader of once saying in public that he doesn’t like ‘Elephants’, and so his nomination was also cancelled.  Following this some parties from the South-Indiana put forward the name of present Cabinet Minister of Unctuous Pernicious Alliance government, highlighting his vast political experience. To everyone’s surprise, this nomination was opposed by parties of Unctuous Pernicious Alliance itself. They feared that the ‘Bhadrapurush’ would overshadow their ‘future prince’ and may even take some below the belt decisions.

In between all the chaos, some ‘Linguistic’ parties of the west raised their objections that they will support only their lingual ‘Maanush’ and will not allow any ‘Bhaiya’ to succeed in nominations.  Despite the air-conditioner the temperature of the hall increased and different arguing pairs were omnipresent in the room. After arguing for hours, finally it was settled that none of the nominations were worth selecting. The politicians were under the gun for selecting a nomination. Clouds of despair floated around the politicians which, rather lamentably, is a rare occurrence.

At that precise moment, out of the blue, one party suggested that this time a common man should be nominated for president. When this suggestion met loud cries of protest, the leaders of that party put forward their theory. They explained that this would not only make the public ecstatic, but the public would even forget about the recent faux-pass of the government. Moreover, because of his total inexperience of political tactics, the man will be a mere puppet of the government, just like the present president. He would be happy to act as rubber-stamp and visit the international embassies.

Thus the decision was made with majority of votes, (excluding some National Derogatory Alliance parties), and a bourgeois working man was selected by the Government.

After some weeks, the common man was invited to the exclusive farmhouse of the ruling party, where most of the leaders of different parties were present. The man was full of hopes and he dallied with the chimera of causing a change and working for the welfare of the country. When he reached there, all he could see were drunken leaders loitering around lewdly with some women. He was received by certain leaders of the parties. While going inside, one leader told him that in politics, one must know which side one’s bread is buttered on. Another leader added that, one must be Jesuit enough to dissemble innocence in each and every case.

Inside he saw a strange wagon. To the large cart was harnessed a small and feeble roan mare. Many intoxicated party members began to clamber into the wagon amidst laughter and jests. The leader standing with him saw his bamboozled look and explained to him- “The mare signifies the Republic of Indiana cum the ‘Mother Indiana’. The politicians ride on the mare mercilessly and make her gallop. The more she gallops, the more we earn. We have no interest in her well being and development.” At that moment, he saw some members flog the mare with the whips. The mare moved some inches, but couldn’t take that much load. She snorted and winced under the blows from the whips, falling rapidly on her. Agitated, the people struck her on ribs, on the eyes and very eyeballs, to make her gallop, but to no avail. One member, being too irritated, seized a hatchet and hit the mare 2-3 heavy blows with it. The mare sank to the ground, all four legs giving way at once. She groaned heavily and expired.

The leader then told to him that, “This is what we do to the people when they are no longer useful to us, or, when they turn against us. We have invited you here, so that you could know that you will serve just as our puppet. Any nasty step and you would suffer the same fate as this mare. Welcome to the Politics.”

The man was covered with perspiration and vomited. Next day, the newspapers bore the headlines about the sudden disappearance of the president nominee just one week before the consecration ceremony.

The politics made the common man to gallop a long way.

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Relationship Doctor

Think of a poor little thin girl with great dreams and aspirations about one day meeting the one perfect man....

Think of the geeky, dark, young man who has accomplished everything in life, a great GPA, a scholarship, made his parents proud, everything, except finding the right girl...

This column is not for them.

This column is to tell you all the things that you must not do, in order to have at least a shot left at a stilted, short-term relationship which is probably the best bet you’ll get, so read on...

DISCLAIMER: All the opinions expressed in this column are strictly those of the author, and are not in support or bigoted against any political, religious, or racial agenda, since the author cannot be bothered to care about such things. And the world would be a better place if it remained that way.

Question #1
What should one follow??
Heart or Brain?
- The thinker

 
My dear thinker, you have stumbled onto one of the great questions that has prevailed upon mankind for thousands of generations. However, after having carried out intensive research on this subject (using a cork, a paper knife and a bottle of wine), I have come to the conclusion that if you want to get married someday. (frankly, you have to, you’re soppy and sentimental, its either that or a brothel), you should stop asking such questions and focus more on real life, (as depicted in leading romantic novels and movies),
And I’ll answer your question if you can answer mine,
What came first? The food or the bill? (You’re at a famous Delhi restaurant)
All the best.
- Dr. .................

Question #2
Hi, I’m 21, I’m attractive, of medium height, and conservative by nature. Why do I have trouble finding a boyfriend? Please help.
-Sincerely, Meenakumari. (Meena to friends.)

Ans. Well, Meena (I can call you Meena, right?) first of all, six feet five inches isn’t medium height. You should stop looking down on people. Plus, you say you’re attractive. That is just plain wrong. So, you need glasses. 

#Question #3
Hello, respected and wise doctor. There is a girl that I really like (I think), and I will be asking her out three months ago. However, in a discussion with my friends, I have come to the conclusion that I can either have her or a sense of humor. What do I do? How do I choose between the two? Please help.
 -sincerely yours, the superpower.
 

Dear er, superpower,
  Frankly, my dear, we don’t give a damn.
  If anything, this question is rather pointless. You don’t have a sense of humour.
  So, stop worrying. Try smoking, drinking and weed.
 -All the best. The doc.

#Question #4
 I am a 22 year old guy. I am tall and smart. I study in a top engineering college, but whenever I like a girl, soon she gets committed to someone else? I am very confused. Is it because I am too good for them and they get scared? I feel jealous when I see stupid jerks with girlfriends. What should I do? 

 
Ans. Do yourself a favour and have crushes only on lesbians.

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The Men Who Stare At Walls!

By Pragyananda Mishra

With the spate of networking and so-see-all media, the Netizens are right in the centre of a

Art by Umesh R

piñata of information overdose. Every other day we begin our days, lazily reaching to the facebook and twitter tabs and dilate our sleep deprived pupils to the tiny red balloons popping as notifications or gazing in amazement at the number of re-tweets and tweetbacks. Spam, a condensation of Spiced Ham has radically transformed its implications in the virtual world and each day I am amazed at how the vicarious appetite is satisfied by scores and dozens of heavily morphed images, plethora of links and Photoshop that would have made painter’s droop down ! The one image that created a lot of buzz these few days was an image of a Gandhi-esque person shaking a leg with a Lady; No doubt it became an instant hit with the users and rampant wordplay, sarcasm and remarks followed with shares reaching astronomical proportions! I, having seen life for over 2 and a quarter decade, am amazed at the sudden burst of rods and cones outburst that the people seem to possess. Echoing the words of Forrest Gump, “Mama said Life is a box of chocolates...you never know what you are going to get...”, I feel that people no longer believe in luck, happening and the vicissitudes of fate. What has caught attention, release it, pump it out - seems to be the order of the day. 

Now moving on to the literati, an expectation of “At least they must make sense” seeps in..but to be squirted out violently a little later. A lot of Rants, XYZ Tips, Dude hain? Seem to defile the very basics of English and intend to defame and mock at the drop of a hat. Even the multitude of competitions in all the media require an essential component : the ‘LIKES’ and re-tweets. I wonder in what way does it promote or encourage customer acquisition, as a parallel I see it as a levy which was prevalent during a despotic ruler’s regime - Pay to make Hay! The freedom of speech is another tenet which our forefathers thought up but only led to killing the social equity by opening a can of worms - I won’t demean a speech, but shouldn’t you realise that the bayonet must be along with the proper fusillade. Making a hue and cry is passé, now 
the taking a cue and fry seems to be the perfect rhyming fit :-)

Among other rants and ramblings I feel this change has had only 2 beneficiaries

1) The quizzers - those who know everything about nothing (or at least feign)

2) The cunning linguists - the wordy wise class :-)

Just imagine our days of yore- the Siddharth Basu’s radio histrionics or the ‘Mixed bag’ rounds of BQC - quizzing was always for the elite and erudite, people read lots, talked lots and gained lots. The corruption came with the onset of KBC and boy! That corrupted quite a few. Suddenly parents bought a lot of quiz books, children knew more about really nothing. Tell me in what world is knowing the etymological origin of ”quintessential” going to help me if I don’t even know how to spell it! So there arose the so called ‘quiznuncs’- who have managed to veil ignorance under a plethora of useless braggarts and mindless information. The forums and groups of so-see-all networks seem to be the idyllic haven - lots of free plagiarism and fake google plus winning appreciation. Every odd quizzing club has developed its business wings, only an icarus would kill their so called grey cell overdose - Just look at how many are deprived of basic education and quizzers go around, reserving hotels and vain boasting in avenues. :-(

The other people are the wordy wise, the cunning linguists who live on wordplay and sir chasm, lampooning at every possible opening. I somehow feel that these are the people who will help make a ‘name’ and at some point of time and will be proclaimed as the ‘write’ guys left in the country. I somehow seem to back the ‘words worth’ than keep lingering the elephant with ‘master debater’ skills. Of late ‘Aunty-Climax’, ‘Henopause’, ‘Maalnourished’, The Big ‘Bhaang’ theory etc have flocked quite a media space. I am a devotee of this art and would love to get sarcastic at every opportunity. 

“The Karnataka Ministers suffered from Osteopornosis- a degenerate disease” was a very popular tweet and brought about a cheer to many and even a tear to the concerned!

Life has always been the topsy turvy coaster ride - things come and go and the annals of history have blamed humans to adapt and survive. In lieu of this verbiage, this acerbic satire - I end with a question.....

“ If apes evolved into humans, why are there still apes - in the form that we see them?”

The answer lies within :-)

| articles | email | blog

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Pragyananda Mishra
20 something-year old taciturn hobbledehoy; I try to win but a loss is always heartening. Presently bewildered and still not sure that 0% of everything is better than 100% of nothing.

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The Vegetable Conspiracy

By Aradhna Mangla

How many times have you shared a meal with a person who picks out cauliflowers and tomatoes from his meal in front of you? It’s something that almost all of us did (except for the aagyakari ones among us!) Be truthful. Don’t  you still do it?

As children, we've all been lectured enough times on how French beans clean up your liver and extend your life and that if you eat your pulses, you'll be spared the wrath of (the inevitable) teenage acne. But we don’t listen, because well, some vegetables just don’t sit right on the tongue!

I would like to substantiate my claim by talking the commonest vegetables (Ironically, both are NOT vegetables, technically!) - The potato and the tomato.

The potato is the biggest starch-bomb if there ever was. You can boil them, fry them or extrude them into shapes. They just taste the same mostly. They're nothing without the spices! The tomato too, is like the biggest escape artist. Ever seen those murder mysteries where the criminal leaves behind his clothes when he changes guises and later the police find them? That’s how I feel about tomatoes. All I ever find are the skins.

When we were kids, we were forced fed all these vegetables, never mind the disgusting wreck they turned our mouths into. Let’s take a moment of silence to honour all those taste buds that died.

Who forced-fed us veggies?

The adults did.

The biggest lie our parents ever told us (and I'm not even starting on the one on where babies come from!) is that vegetables are our friends.  There even used to be dancing cartoons on them on television, all in harmony with the dancing glass of milk and huge white eggs, all forcing "eat a balanced diet" wisdom down your throat.

But I'd like to ask, if vegetables are our friends, why do we eat them?

The answer: I remember an episode from Powerpuff Girls that I saw when I was a kid. It was on these weird broccoli aliens that wanted to control the world and the only way to beat them was to eat them. Maybe that’s the reason why I eat them. Why do you?

Coming back to people who are picky-eaters, rest assured. You're not doing anything wrong. I mean, even vegetables have feelings! They too were once alive. (Until someone decided to pressure-cook their asses off.)

Food is like music. You either like something or not. One must have the freedom to choose not to eat bitter gourds or any other abomination of nature.

There’s no sin in picking to please one's palate.

 

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Disclaimer: The author is a foodie and eats almost everything. Do not take advice from the above article without the recommendation of a registered medical practitioner or your mom.

Girls Decoded

By Abhyudaya Shrivastava

Photo credit - Vijay Narayan

One of the most written about topics is "fashion". It's about being comfortable in your own skin, being yourself, presenting the best that is within you, being stylish, not following the herd and so on. What I think of fashion is largely insignificant because I am not a style icon admittedly. I am one of those guys you cross off when you start making a list of guys who dress well. I am eliminated in the first round; and to substantiate that, I'd like to admit that I don't have a pair of nice jeans at the moment, I don't wear a belt with my trousers, I wear flip-flops to weekend parties, my socks sometimes smell and my shirt sleeves are not longer than my coat sleeves. So, please read this article at your own risk.

"Fashion is always about who you are !" If I hear that cliche one more time, I swear I'll puke. We are all born insecure, crying, seeking attention. We remain the same whole of our lives, except the crying part is replaced by more refined rituals. Rituals such as dressing up. I like to classify girls into the following categories based on the way they carry forward these rituals -

Type 1 -  I hate all things pink

These are tomboys with a confused sense of identity. Growing up with three - four brothers and no sister makes these girls' view toward "all things pink" a bit derogatory. Can be seen sporting large tractor tyres for ear-rings. Use a pair of tweezers carefully to explore the scalp under the dry strands of hair, you might break the eggs sparrows laid there. A nose ring can sometimes be seen, which is the only way to shout out "I am a girl, Goddamnit!" to her secret crush. Ask her to differentiate between mascara, eye-liner, eye-shadow, kohl and kajal and watch as her brain short-circuits.

Type 2 - I am cute and I know it

She has annoying "Hello Kitty" stickers on everything she owns. Carries a pink phone, a pink laptop, uses phrases like "OhmyGod!", "like I care" etc. Crosses her legs even before her bum touches the bench. You click a photo of her yawning, making a face or accidentally blinking and she'll pounce on you like a kitten screaming "delete it, delete it, delete it... or our friendship is over!" May annoy with their continuous self-indulgence. They follow up your serious talk with "Do you like my new nail-paint? Should I go with maroon or red? Forget it! I'll go with maroon!" One tip- Never go shopping with type 2. You'll die.

Type 3 - I am not cute but I don't know it

Type 3 is actually pseudo-type 2. Can be seen wearing sleeveless tops with their hairy armpits on display. She smells like a perfume shop exploded. You praise her because you respect all the effort she puts in to look good. Her facebook profile is full of mug shots, pouts and weird socially unacceptable expressions and gestures. Scratch the surface and you might find that she has wisdom, sense of humour and all things nice. Wish she wasn't trying so hard.

Type 4 - The Princesses

You can also call them the "I am not cute and I know it" girls. Now these are my favourite ones. These are what I call the real fashionistas. They hide their oversize waists with intelligently placed hemlines. They mix and block colours like a pro. They know how the way they wrap a scarf can change the way they look. You can call them fat and not expect a shriek that blows away ships at the dock.

Type 5 - The real tomboys

They are the ones with serious masculine traits. They are not afraid to burp and fart in public. They sport a disturbing amount of facial hair. Sooner or later they transform to either type 4 or type 3.

Type 6 - The world isn't so fair

Here we have the dual personalities. These are the ones with really cute profiles as kids but as they grew up, they disappointed everyone. Pimples, skin allergies, bone growth pattern- whatever it was, it made them cranky. Now their feelings and plunging necklines are on display. They have good and bad fashion days. Make almost intelligible remarks that sometimes you almost believe them until they wear an outrageous and disgusting dress and say mean things about a poor little girl sitting in the corner.

Type 7 - The average ones

You never notice them until they drape a saree in someone's wedding. Behind those nerdy glasses and loose T-shirts is a princess who suffers with low self esteem. They make great listeners and friends. They are invisible most of the time. Hiding behind hooded sweatshirts, boring pony-tails and two-tone colour combinations with the two colours being gray and navy blue.

So here's how I know girls. Let me know if you know any more types......

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Anil Kapoor Offers Tom Cruise a Cameo in ‘Mr. India-II’

Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction aimed at taking the mickey out of certain people. We bear no responsibility for actions that may result from taking this seriously!

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By Swetabh Kumar

(http://highoncaffeine.wordpress.com)

Bollywood veteran Anil Kapoor has apparently requested international heart-throb Tom Cruise for a cameo in his super- anticipated flick, Mr. India-II. The sequel, that vows to redeem the legacy of the original blockbuster, has now mustered mammoth attention owing to the possibility of Cruise showing up in it. Reports claim this development to be a ‘returning the favour’ gesture on Anil’s part, who was also ‘granted’ a guest appearance in Tom’s action extravaganza “Mission Impossible 4: The Ghost Protocol”. In a move that is likely to strongly consolidate the desi Hollywood connections, buzz is that Anil finally has a legitimate reason to yell “Bole Toh, Ekdum Jhakaas!” on rooftops. Plus, with the ‘Cruise’ boost, media analysts vouch that finally, an Anil Kapoor flick might rope in audiences in number atleast comparable to the hair on the actor’s chest. “On a personal note, Mission Impossible and Mr. India-II are both very close to me. There, I was ‘almost’ invisible, and here I’ll be completely invisible” said the ‘Viraasat’ star in a recent press conference, maybe to remind the junta once again that he did share screen space with Tom only some time back.(didn’t notice him? Ok, you blinked at the wrong moment maybe). “Tomboy’s a great co-star, we share an awesome rapport, as you might have seen last year too”…..”Where sir, MI4?” ….”Nah(rather annoyed), check out our pics at the Taj, why go ‘reel’ when you have ‘real’ proof” retorted Anil when asked about his second filming experience with arguably the biggest movie star under the sun.

However, if masala tabloids are to be relied upon, all’s not smooth with Tom’s visit this time round, as local folks are now charging a higher ransom to cheer for the star at the airport, a demand which authorities are not too keen to comply with. Added to that, Anil reportedly is not very pleased with public queries like “How much role do you get in this one now?” or “Tom getting slapped this time?”  or my favourite one, “MI-4 to Mr. India-II: A’nil’ Kapoor to Anil Kapoor?”

Nevertheless guys, Mr. India being a huge favorite of its time, both the spirits and expectations from the sequel are sky-high. And with Tom ‘Cruising’ the film ahead, the publicity and the propaganda associated also seem to touch ‘never before’ zeniths; So let’s just hope Mr. Kapoor returns the second part of the favour and gives Cruise his first success in Bollywood, and maybe take his third, ok fourth..

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3 Things That Secretly Annoy You

By Dhvanil Raval

Annoyance is one of the first concepts that human beings figure out after birth. Interestingly though, it is hardly something we have ever given importance to. When you were a baby, a lot of significance was given to potty training even though you were bound to become a professional in the art of annoyance long before you managed any semblance of control over your sphincter. When you grew up, you noticed how no important treatise on biology or psychology seemed to give the concept of annoyance a standing above ‘what follows from common sense’. In general almost all adults are conditioned to think of annoyance as something caused by the actions of a douchebag or a snob. But if you were to give it a serious thought, which – blame my joblessness – I did, you would see that there are quite a few instances when the generally accepted view of irritation takes a walk in the park. 

Photo credit - Indrajeet Deshmukh

For example:

#3 Public displays of affection

Wait, what?

At this point, some of you might be tempted to scroll up and scan the title again. Public displays of affection? Isn’t that supposed to be the most endearing way in which you can possibly showcase your undying love to your soulmate? There was a point of time when the entire Romantic Comedy industry depended on the ‘Airport Scene’. There are at least 300 likes on every one of those PDA posts on Facebook which sound like cheese melting in all your sense organs at once.  So how does it fit into the annoyance section?

Well, very simply because there is only a very limited section of the population that fits into the ‘positively affected’ group as far as PDA goes. In point of fact if you like PDA, you fall into one of the following categories – A) You are the girl being wooed, in which case social precedent dictates you burst into paroxysms of acceptance, B) You are the guy doing it, in which case you should be expecting some serious recompense in the near future and, C) You are that girl/man-thing who finds everything right from Teddy Bears to feral children cute. As you might rightly guess, this represents a significantly small part of the whole.

For those of us who are not part of the above groups, you are either reminded of your own loneliness in the big-bad world, or of the incompetence of your own partner, resulting in annoyance.  This annoyance, more than a sense of morality, seems to be the reason behind enrolments in the moral police. If you can’t like ‘em, hate ‘em. Of course, on the internet, you have the armor of anonymity so you take the deep desires of your heart out by liking all those ‘love story’ posts.

It’s pretty easy to deny such feelings in the comments section, but you would barely rank above Hannibal Lecter on the social scale if looking at held-hands and emotional looks during a cheese-fest in the movie hall doesn’t send dung-beetles running up your spine. 

I wouldn’t worry too much about that though. We all ceaselessly seek companionship in our lives and envy isn’t that great a sin until it becomes public. *Evil Wink*

#2 Snoring

Let’s face it. Snoring isn’t something you can actually protest against. The truth is that many of us believe in cutting the people who snore some slack. Because, after all, it’s not like they do it on purpose. The poor people have absolutely no control over their actions! 

In our heart of hearts, though, we all know that the aforesaid is a load of crap. Snoring is a pretty offensive thing, and since we now have medically approved methods of controlling it, people really shouldn’t hide behind the ‘no control’ logic. But before we go into how anybody who has snored for more than five times in their life should be legally obliged to seek counteractive measures, let’s see why snoring has such irritating potential. 

Apart from the obvious disturbance it causes in the others’ peaceful sleep, it is the very nature of snoring that is extremely counterintuitive to human beings. Think about it. It is something that a person does only when he sleeps. And in the act, he doesn’t let others sleep. There is something fundamentally wrong in that equation. Like a coup d’etat that leads to a civil war. A human being doing something while doing something that prevents others from doing the first something. Okay, that didn’t come out right. But… you get the idea, don’t you?

And on another note, why does the act of snoring have to sound so bad? Most of the sounds that the human body makes – the clap of hands, the click of fingers, the crack of knuckles – can be seen in some good way or the other. Hell, even a fart or a burp is good for light humor at times. So why does a snore have to sound like the final wail of a pig in the slaughterhouse? Every single time?

#1 Famous People and Fans

If you have ever, even accidentally, ventured into a forum which pits fans of two different teams/actors/authors/singers together, you would probably not require any justification for this entry. Fandom and the famous people who enjoy it are probably the most annoying thing on the internet today, causing episodes of rage you otherwise wouldn’t imagine. Debates on the ability of football players will magically transform into debates about their genitalia.  The music an artiste makes  takes the back seat as people try to answer questions regarding his/her sexual orientations first. 

You probably can’t blame them. Fans are bound to get touchy-feely about insults made to things they like. Since the advent of anonymous commenting, it is becoming more and more common to make the attack on someone’s liking as personal as possible. People seem to be looking at it as a potent way to ensure that your points carry more weight. So saying, “Justin Beiber sux! Y’all justa bunch of faggot loving dick-freaks”, is way better than simply saying, “Justin Beiber can’t make good music.”

Again the blame is not entirely the fans’. There used to be a time when it took real eye-popping talent to make it big and have a million people like you. Today we have reality shows like Jersey Shore where you make it big, simply by being the biggest douche the universe can throw up while still upholding the laws of physics. When people like Snooki and Kim Kardashian have hundred of thousands of aficionados, it is not too difficult to annoy Joe the plumber, whose understanding of talent goes beyond a nice piece of ass. Undeserved fame is at an all-time high and because there are simply too many people shouting from the wrong side of logic, it looks as if the people talking sense are the bad guys. 

To add fuel to that fire, there are deserving people who misuse their fame. Shahrukh Khan and Akshay Kumar, think that being famous gives them the license to make dick-jokes and be an asshole in general while they come up with crap that affects your digestion. Salman Khan will take a bazillion dollars to give a live performance, then come out on stage and move his hands about in a rather insulting fashion. Hundreds of thousands of people will see hundreds of thousands of people swallowing all that crap and then asking for more. By now you should be able to guess where THAT bus is headed. 

The annoyance that fame is causing seems to be more viral than fame itself. 

Do I sound annoyed here? Well, at least you know why. ;)

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About Dhvanil Raval
Bibliophile + Cinephile + Music Lover + Opinionated Sarcasm = Yours truly. I am also telepathic/telekinetic/pyrokinetic on occasion.