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Girls Decoded

By Abhyudaya Shrivastava

Photo credit - Vijay Narayan
One of the most written about topics is "fashion". It's about being comfortable in your own skin, being yourself, presenting the best that is within you, being stylish, not following the herd and so on. What I think of fashion is largely insignificant because I am not a style icon admittedly. I am one of those guys you cross off when you start making a list of guys who dress well. I am eliminated in the first round; and to substantiate that, I'd like to admit that I don't have a pair of nice jeans at the moment, I don't wear a belt with my trousers, I wear flip-flops to weekend parties, my socks sometimes smell and my shirt sleeves are not longer than my coat sleeves. So, please read this article at your own risk.

"Fashion is always about who you are !" If I hear that cliche one more time, I swear I'll puke. We are all born insecure, crying, seeking attention. We remain the same whole of our lives, except the crying part is replaced by more refined rituals. Rituals such as dressing up. I like to classify girls into the following categories based on the way they carry forward these rituals -

Type 1 -  I hate all things pink
These are tomboys with a confused sense of identity. Growing up with three - four brothers and no sister makes these girls' view toward "all things pink" a bit derogatory. Can be seen sporting large tractor tyres for ear-rings. Use a pair of tweezers carefully to explore the scalp under the dry strands of hair, you might break the eggs sparrows laid there. A nose ring can sometimes be seen, which is the only way to shout out "I am a girl, Goddamnit!" to her secret crush. Ask her to differentiate between mascara, eye-liner, eye-shadow, kohl and kajal and watch as her brain short-circuits.

Type 2 - I am cute and I know it
She has annoying "Hello Kitty" stickers on everything she owns. Carries a pink phone, a pink laptop, uses phrases like "OhmyGod!", "like I care" etc. Crosses her legs even before her bum touches the bench. You click a photo of her yawning, making a face or accidentally blinking and she'll pounce on you like a kitten screaming "delete it, delete it, delete it... or our friendship is over!" May annoy with their continuous self-indulgence. They follow up your serious talk with "Do you like my new nail-paint? Should I go with maroon or red? Forget it! I'll go with maroon!" One tip- Never go shopping with type 2. You'll die.

Type 3 - I am not cute but I don't know it
Type 3 is actually pseudo-type 2. Can be seen wearing sleeveless tops with their hairy armpits on display. She smells like a perfume shop exploded. You praise her because you respect all the effort she puts in to look good. Her facebook profile is full of mug shots, pouts and weird socially unacceptable expressions and gestures. Scratch the surface and you might find that she has wisdom, sense of humour and all things nice. Wish she wasn't trying so hard.

Type 4 - The Princesses
You can also call them the "I am not cute and I know it" girls. Now these are my favourite ones. These are what I call the real fashionistas. They hide their oversize waists with intelligently placed hemlines. They mix and block colours like a pro. They know how the way they wrap a scarf can change the way they look. You can call them fat and not expect a shriek that blows away ships at the dock.

Type 5 - The real tomboys
They are the ones with serious masculine traits. They are not afraid to burp and fart in public. They sport a disturbing amount of facial hair. Sooner or later they transform to either type 4 or type 3.

Type 6 - The world isn't so fair
Here we have the dual personalities. These are the ones with really cute profiles as kids but as they grew up, they disappointed everyone. Pimples, skin allergies, bone growth pattern- whatever it was, it made them cranky. Now their feelings and plunging necklines are on display. They have good and bad fashion days. Make almost intelligible remarks that sometimes you almost believe them until they wear an outrageous and disgusting dress and say mean things about a poor little girl sitting in the corner.

Type 7 - The average ones
You never notice them until they drape a saree in someone's wedding. Behind those nerdy glasses and loose T-shirts is a princess who suffers with low self esteem. They make great listeners and friends. They are invisible most of the time. Hiding behind hooded sweatshirts, boring pony-tails and two-tone colour combinations with the two colours being gray and navy blue.

So here's how I know girls. Let me know if you know any more types......


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