How To Cuss Without Actually Using Profanity

By Rachina Ahuja

I know, I know, takes the fun out of it, BUT it’s really useful if you’re confronting people who cry when they hear swear words (dweebs) or if you want to just show you’re mad without being offensive (well, too offensive) or if you’re trying to be lady-like(by which I don’t mean it’s manly to swear).

The following inspired from assorted bad TV shows and movies, and the dark recesses of the author’s mind.

1.  Use words that sound really close to the ‘bad’ words you want to use. ‘Bloody basket’ is one example. Say it loud and with feeling. If you’ve watched the movie ‘Golmaal’, you probably have plenty of ammunition.

2.  Use expressions, perfect that murderous look in the mirror. If you have an Amrish Puri  or Shakti Kapoor expression on your face, words won’t even be necessary. Wait, that’s more of a lecherous look. Er, you probably want to be careful with that one.

3.  If it’s a phrase you’re going for, say it slowly, coldly and menacingly, enunciating each word until you get to the one you need to edit, and simply omit it. No one will notice if you do the cold and menacing thing well and follow it up with some yelling!

    Example: “You...son....of a...YOU OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”

4.  Depending on the situation, if your aim is just to let off steam, like when you stub your toe or are generally frustrated, use substitutes like ‘Fish!’ or ‘Mother Father Brother Sister!’ (Steve Carell is awesome) or something in a foreign language i.e one that people around you don’t understand. You’ll still be saying something worse in your head so it all works out.

5.  Gestures! Actions speak louder than words and a single finger can say it all very loudly, except in a silent way (you know what I mean). Oh, alright, if that’s too rude for you, then you shouldn’t be thinking about cussing! No, I’m not advocating it, but that road-hog who honks at you for five minutes before overtaking you from the wrong side asks for it, don’t tell me he doesn’t.

We at LTGTR do not encourage violent behavior or language of any kind; this article has been published at the author’s insisten......eojjdh;bfibfb;HALPjkbdbdk

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Rachina Ahuja
Writing about myself is an annoying task because I’m never the same. I like change, I’m used to it, but when I go to my favorite restaurant, I’ll always order the same thing. Why take a risk? My ideal occupation would be Captain of a pirate ship with a pet orangutan but I’ll settle for making animated movies.

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How To Mess Up A ‘Proposal'

By Rachina Ahuja

Yes, that declaration of affection, of feelings that are more than just fraandship is accompanied by several hazards. Steer these waters carefully or forever go down in ignominy as ‘that boy/girl who proposed me by *insert explanation of embarrassing circumstances*.’

5.Use a form of ‘endearment’ such as ‘baby’.

4. Ask ‘Will you be my girlfriend/boyfriend?’ with your group of pals chuckling/whistling/giggling behind you.

3.Compliment the person lavishly and give them the entire story of how you’ve been feeling since the first time you saw them (3 days ago).

2.  Do it by text/any form of social media.   

1.  Use the L word.  

What’s that whooshing sound? Ever watched Road Runner?

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Rachina Ahuja
Writing about myself is an annoying task because I’m never the same. I like change, I’m used to it, but when I go to my favorite restaurant, I’ll always order the same thing. Why take a risk? My ideal occupation would be Captain of a pirate ship with a pet orangutan but I’ll settle for making animated movies.

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How to be a drama queen

(Not to be confused with the ubiquitous attention-seeker)

By Rachina Ahuja

1.  Be an attention-seeker(What? Every self-respecting drama queen has to be an attention-seeker to start with.) It’s easy, just make every conversation/situation about yourself. For example:

            A: Ouch, I just accidentally cut my finger off!

            DQ- Oh no! I can’t stand blood! *faints*

2.  If there is no occasion to talk about yourself, talk about your possessions or your boyfriend, or your dog, or your fingernails! Be creative!

3.  Remember, you are always the victim, the persecuted and the unfortunate.

4.  Also, remember, nobody in the world understands you. When in doubt use “You won’t/don’t/can’t understand!” freely.

5. Cry. Cry loud and long and if no one hears you, tell them about it! Follow that up with long explanation of how you’ve been wronged(see 3) and if that fails, make a dramatic exit (see 4).

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Rachina Ahuja
Writing about myself is an annoying task because I’m never the same. I like change, I’m used to it, but when I go to my favorite restaurant, I’ll always order the same thing. Why take a risk? My ideal occupation would be Captain of a pirate ship with a pet orangutan but I’ll settle for making animated movies.

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