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‘What Readers Shouldn’t Digest’: The Bollywood Issue

By Swetabh Kumar 

“To know more about your favourite celebs, type <name> and send it to 56565”, said the sensuous anchor of ZoomTV before signing off on an infectiously comforting note of “see you soon again”. Anyways, this blog isn’t about her being my 9647th crush…instead, it is dedicated to my findings once I decided to fetch my phone and try the ‘56565-gimmick’ with a plethora of star names I could bring to mind. From the famous to the “accidentally famous’’ to the “waiting for such an accident” ones, a good chunk of the desi E-league was given a shot…and here are the ‘zoom’ed revelations :

1.  Shahrukh Khan apparently slapped producer Sirish Kunder at a bash, inciting the latter to like the ‘Sreesanth fan page’ on Facebook. Also, the Baadshah has decided to dance at fans’ wedding functions of late. You can now purchase his dignity (or the remains of it) for a little less than a crore per night. 

2.  Shahrukh Khan’s claims of “I’m the best” may sound more deplorable than Uday Chopra’s relaunch plans post Ra-one, but the King plans on a sequel directed by part-time spouse Karan Johar. Needless to say, the film stars genderless robots this time around.

3.   Anil Kapoor’s MI-4 stint was reportedly a minute-long audition for ‘India’s Got No Talent”, a Pakistan based reality show. The sudden disappearance, claims Anil, was also a fan-promo for Mr. India-2. Meanwhile, thanks to his reel presence in “Slumdog Millionaire”, critics are still debating if India’s portrayal in the flick was poverty-stricken or puberty-stricken.

4.   Salman Khan lately faced a massive uproar from all the 1411 tigers around the globe, post their viewing of his new flick. On being questioned about matrimony plans, the star retorted “My life, like my films, doesn’t have a script. It’ll happen when it has to.” Salman also stressed on how ‘Being Human’ is assisting needy folks in finding employment, starting with brothers Sohail and Arbaaz.

5.  Post Hide&Seek, Hrithik Roshan is all set to showcase his break dance skills for the upcoming ads of Vim Powder, Lizzat Paapad and Itch Guard. However, the actor won’t be part of Jodhaa Akbar-2, since the producers realized that King Akbar had only five fingers on the right hand. Also, in a sincere attempt to issue a statutory warning to the potential audience, the censor board has changed the title of the ‘Kites’ DVD to ‘Plights’.

6.  On intense public demand, Tusshaar Kapoor has agreed to add a question mark at the end of his film’s title: ‘Kya Super Kool Hai Hum’. Tusshaar is also distinguished as veteran dad Jitendra’s first flop production.(Pun intended??) On the TV front, sister Ekta kapoor is now claimed to be the ace factor behind wailing housewives. Domestic violence comes a close second.

7.  ‘Anu Malik judging Indian Idol for six seasons straight’ has apparently been cited by the UPA as a testimony to their success in the “NREGA-100 days of employment” programme. Dino Morea, Bobby Deol, Suniel Shetty and Jackie Shroff were notably spotted amongst the fresh applicants for the scheme. Jackie also used the stage to promote the soon-to-debut Tiger Shroff (who as opposed to public speculation, turned out to be his son and not his Alsatian).

8.  As per Zoom sources, Rohit Shetty has decided to replace Tushhaar Kapoor in the mute role for the upcoming installment of Golmaal. Hon’ble PM Shri Manmohan Singh was approached, who apparently turned it down owing to his prior commitments of ‘Iqbal-2’ and a sequel to “Chori Chori Chupke Chupke” called “Chupke Chupke Chori”. Nevertheless, the director is all confident of this next venture, and is not paying Archana Puran Singh to start the laughs at random theatres this time around.

9.  The man with an eye for socially relevant cinema, Madhur Bhandarkar plans his next on the epidemic issue of pampered kids growing up into wasted, ‘devoid of talent’ vessels owing to daddy’s billions. Needless to say, Mr. Amitabh Bachchan has been roped in for guidance with the script.

10. Priyanka Chopra admits to a fling with actor Shahid Kapoor, says she’ll ring the wedding bells as soon as the latter turns 12. Meanwhile, country’s favorite NRI Katrina Kaif has decided to forsake item numbers for a while since she feels they typecast her. This would be
the third addition to her “say NO to” list after Hindi proficiency and good acting. The move, however, is expected to hit hard the adolescent faction and YouTube Inc.

11.  Sorry, no text files found for your request of <Sunny_Leone>. You can however subscribe to her multimedia files only @ Rs. 50/month by typing <personal_stuff> on your mobile and sending it to 56565.

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