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Insanity



 He lay flat on his back, the back of jeep open to the velvet black sky. The moonlight drenched him, the wind howled over him and occasionally slipped under to touch him. He was counting the stars, he knew it was an impossibility, but long ago he had noticed the subtle order in the chaotic expanse of the cosmos. He had noticed the peculiar nature of the universe; behind the cloak of chaos was an underlying order and order always hid a subtle chaos under its structured ambiance. One never existed without the other. Order in chaos and chaos in order were the foundation on which every phenomenon, idea and philosophy of the universe stood. 
As the jeep came to a halt, he reordered his thoughts and jumped out to walk back home with his parents. In the soft moonlight his serene face was clearly visible. Everyone presumed a stable, quiet mind from his calm face… but behind the façade lay a mind in chaos. A tempest of contradictions and confusion raged within the confines of his cranium. A feral instinct twisted his thoughts leading him down terrifying alley of the human psyche. Behind the angelic demeanor was a demonic mind. 
He walked into the kitchen as quiet as a tiger and stood behind his mother. A frenzy of thoughts churned in his mind and from it rose a single idea, a single primitive craving… he wanted to see blood, he wanted to see someone squirm in pain. A thrill of anticipation ran through his spine as he pictured the scene, his heart raced as the adrenaline rushed through his veins. The urge was inciting; he picked up a knife and tested it on his finger. A single line of blood erupted from the wound that the knife had carved out on his smooth skin and with it a wave of sweet pain washed over him. Along with the pain came guilt and disgust. He hated himself for what he was and what he could become. Overwhelmed by the emotion he let go of the knife and embraced his mother. He needed her warmth, her love. He needed to hold on to sanity. 
During the day a host of worldly stimuli diverted his thoughts, never giving him an opportunity to wander into to the dark corners of his mind. It was the solitude of night that he feared. He lay in bed staring at the fan circling sluggishly overhead. He concentrated on its motion, hoping that it would have a hypnotic effect or the effort would bore him to sleep. But sleep wasn’t a refuge either. His dreams were punctuated by grotesque scenes. 
He stared at the naked form on the table. She was bound, spread out like the Vitruvian man. Her naked form struggled desperately against the ropes. She looked so beautiful, her figure tense with the effort, her bosom rose and fell with her strained breathing .Her desperate helplessness had a strange erotic appeal. He looked at her pale face. He saw a spectre draw a line around her thin white neck. He bent down until he felt her warm breath on his face, he stared into her pale blue eyes. It was as if he could see her soul, laid bare, unobstructed by emotions or lies. She shivered and turned away. He sighed and ran a finger along her flushed cheek. He wrapped his fingers around her neck. She screamed… 
He woke up screaming… it was a dream, just a dream… he fell back onto his pillow, drenched in sweat. A moment ago he was drenched in blood. The blood wasn’t there, but he could smell its faint metallic odour. He was slipping away, his sanity was being washed away in the brutal current of madness. He quietly slipped out of bed and walked to the wash basin. He splashed some water on his face and stared into the mirror. His face was pale with horror, but there was a strange twinkle in his eyes. 
He was walking through the milling crowd, searching for a face, a mask that hid the insanity beneath. He was searching for a path to sanity. 
EPILOGUE:
Order is chaos, chaos is order. This is the truth of the universe. Behind the façade of humanity there is a beast in every man. We can deny the truth, forget it, ignore it but it’s always there in the bizarre depth of our mind, lurking, waiting for an opportunity to surface. We can chain the beast and fight a losing battle to suppress it… but we can never eliminate it, for out very nature is bound to it. Our basic instincts and emotions are rooted in this beast. The only way to eliminate is to eliminate yourself. It is only in the void that we are freed from our own nature. Rather than suppress my very self, I choose to let it run wild every now and then confine it with my sanity, restricting its immense destructive power, channeling it harmlessly away from society. Why do I do so, you ask? A caged, frustrated beast is infinitely more dangerous than a free one. I do so in hope that if one day I lose all restraints over my inner beast, it will not unleash its full horror. I have found my outlet after struggle and strife. We all must… or humanity will be consumed by its own insanity.

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Vakul Mohanty
A metal-head who's wants to do pursue a Ph.D Currently studying Biology & Comp Sc. at BITS,Pilani - Hyderabad Campus, his life-long ambition is to become a professor and wear shorts to work.


 

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