By Pradeep Damodara
Fog blankets everything. It reflects the melancholy in my heart, portraying the muddled intricacies of my thoughts exactly the way I perceive them, making everything seem more real and trancelike at the same time. I look around, gazing at the wonders the mist creates, experiencing various facets of my emotional make-up and sensing their manifestation in my surroundings.
Perhaps it’s because everything is so serene, calm, and quiet, but the world seems to slow down around me… if only the train of thought would slow down as much. Maybe then I’d be able to concentrate on what’s going through my head, maybe then I could make myself feel differently. I say differently, not better, for a reason… I’m not feeling bad, or unhappy, or angry, for that matter. I’m feeling both empty and full, devoid of emotion but brimming with it, and I’m sinking into a confused, befuddled stupor.
So I try to clear my mind, concentrate on the more distracting objects that lie around me, but they just bring me back to the initial state, left feeling so many emotions that they coalesce into nothingness. This nothingness is both comforting and disturbing at the same time, and despair swells up out of all the confusion, threatening a physical manifestation.
I hold back, refuse to give in and bow down to the emotion, and I attempt to bottle up the sadness. But I fail.
Silent tears slip down my face… the pace of their fall matching the overpowering tranquility that I’m surrounded by. I slip away into the multitude of emotions that encompass my heart, each one taking it’s turn at the forefront… but they all keep the tears flowing. And I still can’t figure out what’s disturbing me.
I start paying attention to the details of the things happening around me, and I can almost hear music in everything. The leaves rustle in sync, while my tears play a steady drum beat as they reach the ground, one-by-one. The rhythmic crunch of boots on gravel as people walk by gives the whole song completeness. Melancholy is a wonderful word, it inherently makes you feel it’s meaning…
The music lulls me into a half-trance, and I float away in its embrace, feeling some of the despair slowly dissipate. And all of a sudden, the drums stop. The whole world around is silent. And a thin ray of sunlight breaks through the fog. I feel my lips part and I’m smiling, grinning, brimming full of happiness.
In the end, there’s only one emotion left. Contentment. I get up, brush myself off, and make my way back towards everyone. I’ve spent my grief; it’s time to give everyone else a reason to smile.
