Disclaimer: If you are
one of those people who cannot imagine the world outside the limits of
Newtonian mechanics, this article is most probably not for you. You must
already be having serious doubts about reading it, and I assure you that if you
continue to read it, it would do nothing but shock your sense of righteousness
and make you angry about how people are actually wasting their time analyzing
superheroes instead of helping CERN in building a larger particle accelerator.
*Sigh*
Even among people who do
read comic books (P.S. – Watching a movie about the character is NOT the same
as reading the comic books), there is a general consensus about not questioning
comic book logic in terms of the real world. So if you fall into that category,
I would like you to know the following before your rage starts a nuclear
holocaust: I do not plan to do any such thing. Comic book world simply cannot
be explained in terms of the real world and I totally respect that.
On the other hand, comic
book logic SHOULD make some sense in the comic book itself. Unfortunately, the
authors have to keep making new stuff up as they go along, and in the process
they come up with unbelievably epic logical fails. Fans being fans, often let
them pass unnoticed, but if you are someone more serious than a garden variety
fan, you must have picked up some of the following holes:
#4 Cyclops
Anyone who has ever
given a damn about the X-men is, or was, severely impressed by the
character of Cyclops. There is simply no denying it. Humans are just made that
way. We love guys who can throw red laser-stuff out of their eyes, and while
girls are always attracted by the hair-style and the ‘cute-loser-guy’ attitude,
guys seem to be drawn to a superpower that, at least on the surface, is second
in awesomeness only to claws coming out of your knuckles.
It is also obvious that
the character of Cyclops receives an unfair advantage from Stan Lee, given that
he scored Jean Grey and the more disturbing fact that HE IS STILL ALIVE!
Cyclops’s powers might
seem to be really awesome, but the simple truth is that he has too many
weaknesses, the first and the foremost being that he has absolutely NO CONTROL
over his optic blast, unless he has a special ruby-quartz visor on. On top of
that, the power really isn’t that effective, since for him to be of any use,
Cyclops need to be staring right at the target he wants to hit. In the real
world, it might not matter that much, but the X-men Universe is filled with
mutants who are telekinetic, can teleport, can manipulate substances from a
distance, or can throw things such as balls of fire.
So consider that you are
Cyclops. All it takes is someone unscrewing the visor on your eyes. Now you are
a raging maniac blasting everyone in your range without control, regardless of
whether it’s a friend or a foe. Unless that is, you shut your eyes and sit like
a wimp, powerless in the middle of a super-powered war. Or let’s say someone
sneaks up behind you. Would it really make a cosmic difference if a bolt of
electricity hits your ass first, instead of your crotch? You guessed it! No.
Also, a ruby-quartz
visor which contains your power? So imagine how effective Cyclops is if every
major super-villain starts wearing a ruby-quartz lined costume.
#3 Professor X
Moving on, we have
another one of the X-men, Professor X, who has the powers of telepathy
and a semi-pornographic name.
To be honest, telepathy
is not that weak a superpower, especially when you are as gifted as X is, but again,
the way that the authors have limited how X can use the powers is stupid in the
least. As one of the most powerful telepaths alive, Professor X can read minds,
manipulate and create mental perceptions and cause temporary pain or paralysis
in a person. It is very unfortunate, therefore, that he hardly ever leaves his
mansion, unless he’s surrounded by a bunch of other super powered warriors, and
even when he does, he hardly uses his powers in battle, because of no obvious
reason.
Oh, and there is also
the issue, that he is permanently limited to a wheelchair. Couple that with the
fact that X cannot work his mental magic on more than one person at a time, or
when the person in question is not physically present and you don’t even need a
mutant to kill him. A group of well trained military assassins will do. Indeed,
it seems that on a number of occasions throughout the series, X survives only
because super villains such as Sabertooth and Magneto respect or pity him too
much.
And, wait. Magneto!
Magneto uses a special helmet that protects him from Professor X’s probing. So
why doesn’t everyone in the world just wear that helmet? It definitely makes a
fashion statement. With the advantage that it renders all telepaths on Earth
totally useless.
#2 Aquaman
Enough with Marvel now.
Let’s move on to the DC hero, Aquaman.
And how many of you
consider Aquaman to be a valid superhero, anyway? He’s the worst thing that
happened to the Justice League of America to date, and then some.
Let’s start with the
basics. Apart from some retcon versions, Aquaman’s greatest power is his
ability to communicate with all the sentient beings in the sea. That’s his
power. As long as you are on land, in the sky, heck even in a ship, you are
safe from Aquaman’s GREATEST power, unless you count a swarm of flying fish or
an occasional octopus to be a serious threat.
Supposedly, another one
of Aquaman’s powers is his ability to resist extreme amounts of pressure
underwater, which translates into him resisting gunfire on land, but wait till
you hear this: Aquaman needs to go back in contact with water every hour or so.
Otherwise, he becomes virtually powerless or dead. This means that apart from a
beach or a river bank, there is hardly any terrain on which Aquaman is suited
to fight. So if a super-villain sets up shop in, say, the Sahara
desert, the other members of the Justice League have to fly Aquaman over to the
nearest oasis over and over again for his hourly dip.
In return, I guess
Aquaman lets Bruce Wayne win all the fishing contests he takes part in.
#1 Green Lantern
Green Lantern is
probably the worst known execution of a super-power I have seen in my life.
Mark my words, his superpowers are awesome, but the way he uses them is totally
not.
The Power Ring of Green Lantern
is the single-most powerful weapon in the universe. It has the ability to bring
into reality, the imagination of the wearer. As soon as you hear this you would
start thinking of green light-sabers and green explosives that can wipe out an
army. Hell, Green Lantern can imagine a Kryptonite factory into place and
render the invincible Superman useless.
But no! The most
creative Green Lantern becomes with his ring, is by making green punches that
he uses to hit one opponent at a time. In real world terms, that is roughly
comparable to having a loaded assault rifle beside you but choosing to throw an
apple at the enemy instead. By and large, therefore, it seems as if the entire
Green Lantern Corps, which would otherwise be the MOST powerful army in the Universe,
is just a bunch of fools whose wildest imagination is limited to a long
distance punch on the face.
Oh, and we haven’t even
started on the weaknesses yet. Green Lantern’s weakness, friends and neighbors,
is the color yellow. Yep, you read that right, the color yellow. THE COLOR
YELLOW! In effect this means that you can finally throw Sunflowers on someone
and cause them harm. Being vulnerable to yellow, means that Green Lantern’s
‘might’, is completely ineffective against everyday things, like say, a DHL
courier van, Ronald the clown from McDonalds or a little kid’s painting of the
sun. If necessary, Homer Simpson, or maybe Spongebob Squarepants can whup Green
Lantern’s ass and send him packing. I have to ask! What were they thinking when
they made this weakness? What?
About Dhvanil Raval
Bibliophile + Cinephile + Music Lover + Opinionated Sarcasm = Yours truly. I am also telepathic/telekinetic/pyrokinetic on occasion.
