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Kapil Sibal - The Congress Crusader

Recently, Kapil Sabil made a controversial decision to say “screw you” to India’s democracy and proposed censoring and monitoring our freedom of speech on the internet. He claims we made mean remarks about the Gandhis and their feelings were so badly hurt that he decided to seek and destroy internet trolls from saying anything more. Personally, I wish I had the power to strip a person of his freedom of speech because it would save me the trouble of having to say “shut the f*** up” every time they abused that freedom.

Now, honestly I don’t buy that Kapil Sabil is a retrogressive suck up who’s solely doing this to defend the sentiments of his precious Gandhi family and his beloved Congress. I mean, come on. The Gandhis are the Indian Kadarshians except none of them are hot and all of them have been given the power to rob our taxpayers. Everyone knows that and jokes have been flying about them ever since I was first taught how Indian politics works (taxpayer’s money = your own personal spending money). I believe that, while this old man is quite capable of being an ignorant tool who doesn’t understand the internet, he could actually be an incredibly devious bastard who had other ulterior motives behind this move. My mum cleverly pointed out that this whole Kapil Sabil issue is suspiciously timed to emerge mere weeks before Anna Hazare’s movement was to gather speed this month. 

Now trying to work an algorithm to track trolls trolling good ol Sonia Gandhi and the rest of her bizarro brady bunch wouldn’t be very practical, given the fact that the internet consists of people who don’t give a f*** about the Congress family and people who give plenty of f**** about the family. Finding real haters and trolls would be tedious, wasteful and extremely boring. Anna Hazare, on the hand, is gaining popularity faster than Jesus did when he first turned water to booze. And what self-respecting government would put up with a punk like Anna trying to thwart their plans for mass-extortion? It’s bad for business and whacking him would make him a martyr. SO, practically, you make up some bullshit excuse about filtering ‘offensive material’ like a picture of my penis with the words “Visual Representation of Kapil Sibal” tattooed across the shaft, and secretly build an algorithm to filter out anything pro-Hazare and put an end to his reign of anti-corruption. Very sneaky, Mr Sibal. I shake your hands with my jizzing hand and wonder how quickly you’ll stay in power, now that you’ve successfully pissed off the Indian internet population. 


Personally, I don’t care much. Mr Sibal is attempting to pull a China on us and slowly convert our democracy into full-blown communism. I mean, sure, we breed like bunnies, eat buckets full of rice and come under the general category of ‘Asian’ but we, as Indians, are distinctly different because of our bigger addiction to democracy. Sure we drive like assholes. Sure, we’re racist to all our little internal segregations of regional identity, religion and even the city we belong to. But the day the government decides to filter our free internet porn and our freedom to Facebook or tweet our opinions is the day that people like Sibal will cower behind his beloved Congress to save himself from a unanimous public decision to lynch the f*** out of him. Read this, Mr Sibal and take as much offence as you possibly can. Trust me when I say I mean every bit of it. And if that wasn’t offensive enough, then feel free to assume that I’m waking up in the morning with the words, “Screw you, Sibal” and a cup of black coffee.

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Abhay Gupta
What about me? Well, I don't know really. I could be brooding and nihilistic or bouncing off walls like flubber on crack. I categorize and analyze everything because I get bored easy. I'm a tv buff, movie buff, comic fanatic, atheist and meme-literate.  And finally, cheesecake.


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