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Swayamvar: The Top 5 Candidates


By Swetabh Kumar 
Yeah, it’s understandable if you’ve already seen something like this in your inbox. . Yet, please allow my claim of a futuristic work to make sure you keep reading this (Note- my way of saying that this isn’t spam!). I say  ‘Futuristic’, because every stint with Ms. Rakhi Sawant as the  protagonist always has a future, on page 3, in the  rumour mills or simply in the ‘recycle bin’ of the public’s memory. But then ‘Rakhi Ka Swayamvar’ did achieve jackpot TRP’s . It was so much of a hit that the next instant, you had an obsolete creature called Rahul Mahajan giving off his handsome self to one of the 11 ‘crazy’ girls who were game. And after weeks of all the ‘suspense’, the climax was one you could’ve bet your wages on: Rakhi dumps the finalist, and lets loose another controversy to bid season 1 adieu. About the 2nd matrimonial season, a birdie reported Mr.Mahajan finally got a girl…and that’s plainly the last heard of him and her!!
Clearly, with ‘high-end drama’ being the sole call, my imagination can’t resist visualising possibilities for the coming sequels. And looking at what sells on small screen; some of these alternatives can indeed make for an interesting watch.  So join along as we seek 5 ‘best-seller’ guests for ‘Swayamvar’, 5 eligible singles who can actually drag you n me into watching them ring the wedding bells on screen…..
Right then, here we go 5-1 on the list of ‘omg’ bachelors (!!)
5. Karan Johar:  Right then Karan, seems like your fans just got satiated with excess ‘Koffee’, or maybe SRK wants a termination to the long streak of ‘touchy’ jokes both of you starred in. Either way, the message is clear: For long, we’ve seen the million-dollar director question celebs on link-ups and fall-outs. And with your niche in family dramas Karan, we’re sure you’ll end up with the most ‘sanskaari’ girl of all, the ‘perfect bahu’ of your cinemas. But then, it’ll be interesting to see how many of each gender compete for the garland. After all, no one would be surprised if you won the prize for the perfect metro sexual!

4. Priety Zinta: Alright, Ms dimple, we understand movies aren’t exactly your forte anymore ( I really don’t remember a hit after Kabhi Alvida naa Kehna....wait, was that even a hit? ). Plus, the sweetness, the smartness, the coolness and all ‘Ness’(read Ness Wadia) declared ‘Astalavista’ long back, changing the headlines from ‘Bombay Dyeing’ to ‘Priety crying’. And to add to agony, your last heard venture, the Kings XI, haven’t quite made news at the IPL ( the cheerleaders get more attention than the team) . So Ms.Zinta, this advice comes from me ‘DilSe’ :take heart from the fact that if Rakhi can gather a dozen contestants, you’re too not completely forsaken by men  yet, plus the swayamvar would remind people that you did do films ages back,so go for it Ms eligible, enjoy seemingly your last doze of limelight, get your man and settle down for good.

3. Ekta Kapoor: So finally we run into the  serial killer’ of the small screen, the effigy of all that can make you weep while watching Star Plus. We’re talking of a lady who’s made her millions through scripts that somehow glues all household females to television sets from 7 to 10 everyday. A lamenting ‘bahu’ in a sari, a mother-in-law resembling Satan and a dozen wailing people on each side make up what EktaKapoor popularised as ‘Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki’, or a ‘Kusum’ or some other random crap . So with her craze for ‘rona-dhona’ , what preferences  she lays down for her Mr. Perfect is what remains to be seen ( we’re guessing he’s  rich, successful, handsome , seemingly emotionless and yet sensitive at the same time). For, a lady who can challenge family emotions so dramatically on reel, she  might as well act equally dramatic and chaotic in reality to reach the zenith of ‘parivaar’ values from her ideal suitor. Statutory warning for viewers : Its EktaKapoor after all, keep that handkerchief close to your eyes.  If you don’t cry into it, you can at least take the easy way out and strangle yourself with it

2. Himesh Reshammiya:
Here’s introducing to you the victim of most puns in the past 5 years ( even though he hasn’t released a good song for the last 4 of them). The jokes, the spoofs directed at the guy and his music compositions have defined a genre of sarcasm by themselves, and might as well amuse people indefinitely. Nonetheless, the man does sell, and in huge numbers too. On stage, he’s said to be a phenomenon; on reality TV, they call him a ‘blatant egoist’, but what is Himesh like when he sheds the microphone and holds the wedding ring in lieu. No doubt his ‘nasal’ image has been stomped and ridiculed by you and me, but hey, the ‘EkBaarAaja’ croon might still drive a herd of maidens to his ‘swayamvar’, following which a fan might just get to spend the rest of life with her idol. What’ll be actually exciting to see is how controversy’s favourite child ‘pokes his NOSE’ into marital affairs, and how his wannabe brides react to his ‘Suroor’ .P.S. It will of course, go a level higher on viewership if he withdraws his cap on this one (nothing beats the odds than a nasal sounding bald dude who gets a hot chick).

And finally, we reach the numero uno. From koffee caterers to nasals, from ‘limelight seekers’ to emotional aatankwadis, we’ve had four powerful nominations to grace the ‘Swayamvar’, each with a unique flair. And after an intense mano a mano,I managed to get the ‘unique-est’ of all flairs in the man getting the #1 crown here….

Fine then, for starters, he’s by far the ‘most influential’ single of them all. RakhiSawant once called him ‘hot’ in a tabloid, he’s got ShilpaShetty going gaga over his art. Clad in just an orange ‘lungi’, he’s no less than a national icon today. Friends, no prizes whatsoever for guessing, the man in reference is none other than our Mr. Naturopathy, the ‘Pranayaam’ maestro, Baba Ramdev . (again, be sure to keep a handkerchief by your side, for reasons mentioned above) With followers and believers counting in lakhs, this man will most definitely take ‘swayamvar’ to a different level, as the audience will be super-curious to see the role of the ‘Khapalbhaati’, ‘Anulom-Vilom’ and his ever enigmatic smaller left eye in determining who walks out as ‘baba’s gal’ after the finale. A definite MUST WATCH!!!, the first ever health-cum-masala show….wow!!

I’ll be frank. We’re reached that vague point where we’re done with the climax, but not with the entire story( if this were a movie, there would be a make out scene now) . But yup, we ultimately get the 5 ‘oh-so-desirable’ individuals, any of who can turn TRP mills rolling sky-high, because  it’s drama that catches the Indian audience like nothing else. The idea of a TV-based matrimony implies new levels of scripted broadcasts, no Arjun has to hit the eye of the fish to get Draupadi here, its all come down to public entertainment. Sure, you might believe that there are others who deserve to make it to the top five. People like Arindham Choudhry, Rahul Gandhi and others sure seem like safe bets, but do mail us if you think of any others!

 

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