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Lovely Lies!

By Rachina Ahuja (creative inputs by Nishant Boorla)
Have you ever wondered if the ‘L’ word actually exists? Of course you have!! Especially us girls eh? It really is MOST annoying that we grow up reading books and watching movies and then are suddenly catapulted into the real world when we realise that we’ve been fed a pack of LIES. *Cue dramatic heart-beat style music*
I am sure everyone is familiar with the quintessential ‘prince charming’ who comes in many different packages but essentially, always has the same core attributes. He’s nice, he’s charming (of course), he’s terribly handsome and never fails to fall for the ‘princess’. But what they don’t tell you is that he probably is a narcissist, handsome in a pretty boy way really and in the real world will probably marry a really bitchy rich female and who suits his consequence more than poor old Cindy. This is “Chick-flick Prince Charming template #1”
Then there is the ‘tall, dark and handsome’ variety who’s the brooding sort and holds the female gender in contempt except of course when he meets his ‘one true love’ and undergoes a metamorphosis of sorts. If it’s a Hollywood flick this change occurs over a 2 or 3 day period. In Indian cinema this takes place over the duration of a song that was lifted from an Afghan folk number. This my friends is template number 2.
Now on to my personal favourite - #3 - The nerdy best-friend who apparently has been in love with his girl-best friend since ever he can remember and she doesn’t realise it! She, naturally, lusts after the ‘hottest but meanest guy in school’ (another stereotype) and only after a lot of drama does she realise that her best-friend is actually kinda hot and she’s been in love with him her whole life! *Cue removal of ugly dude make up on the nerd* *rolls eyes*
Let me tell you something, if a guy likes a girl, more often than not she can definitely tell and especially if he’s supposed to be her best friend. So that’s rubbish and what’s more, being in love your whole life and not knowing is rubbish too! How out of touch with yourself do you have to be to not realise? And the nerdy guy’s feet probably stink too. Come on!!
So you see, we’ve been subsisting on made-up idealistic notions and in the real world it is not at all like that. Boys are no princes charming. The tall, brooding chaps are probably actually dangerous or... er.. just touched in the head. Lets face it. Boys don’t brood. I’m not saying girls are perfect, far from it. But I am saying that it’s not our fault on account of having grown up on books and movies which turn us into silly, sentimental fools.
I wonder if there is anything such thing as a perfect relationship. I was watching that pathetic show ‘Emotional Atyachaar’ out of sheer boredom and the host said 30% of females and 50% of males admit to being more interested in their boy/girlfriend’s best friend rather than in their boy/girlfriend. And he very cheerfully added “So you see, your love may actually be eyeing your best friend”. Eeep! The statistics, if true, are rather alarming don’t you think? Almost enough to drive me into becoming a nun!
So does ‘true love’ and crap really exist?? Or is it just something the mysterious ‘they’ made up so that people will get married and the human race won’t die out? Even if love stories do exist, they certainly don’t play out the way they’re shown in the movies. Let me break it down for you.

1) THE AIRPORT SEQUENCE - Lady love is on her way to a far away land. Prince Charming on his way to stop her. In the movie - the hero runs past security and dodges Commando units following which they chase after him in slow motion as he runs towards his lady screaming “I love you”.
In real life - Commando punches the guy in the face so hard he ends up with 4 nostrils. Lady love flies away, marries a rich foreigner and fakes an accent for added appeal.
2) “STOP THE WEDDING” sequence - Lady love is being forced to marry someone she’s actually better suited to. Hero turns up just in time with his faithful and broke - yes, always broke - gang of friends. Point worth noting here is that the friends are always way uglier than the hero.
In the movies - Lady love realizes now is the time and elopes rather ridiculously or confronts her parents. In certain movies, the Groom realizes now is his time to get pretentious and thus graciously offers the hero his place on the wedding stage.
In real life - Man heroically asks lady to elope with him while she timidly looks away cause she figures there’s more money to be made by marrying the man next to her!
But back to girl talk. Speaking from observation rather than experience, maybe we should learn not to expect too much from guys, acknowledge our superior sense and pardon them for their lack of it. And they should learn to think a little of things other than themselves and not run away from emotional stuff. Don’t you think they would get along much better then??
Damn, I should write a book!

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Rachina Ahuja
Writing about myself is an annoying task because I’m never the same. I like change, I’m used to it, but when I go to my favorite restaurant, I’ll always order the same thing. Why take a risk? My ideal occupation would be Captain of a pirate ship with a pet orangutan but I’ll settle for making animated movies.


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