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Of Sarcasm And Sarcoidosis

By B.B. Arjun

I did tell myself that I’d write an article, but on what? Should I try my luck in the tried and tested avenue of “LIFE @ BITS”? No, thy shalt reserve such a radical choice of topic for later. An article about love and loss, where unthinkably, the guy falls in love with the girl on the second sight because he apparently doesn’t believe in love at first sight? Nah. A feel-good article? But India ain’t shining, it’s whining. What about philosophy where I could blabber my baseless thoughts out only to finally conclude that things are beyond human comprehension? Wait a minute. Why not “The Non-Conformist in Me”? But the rebel ain’t the rebel anymore. Corporate linguists have over used this topic to the extent that it has ironically become clichéd!
Then, out of vacuum, came the idea germ soaring past my immune system into my mid-cerebellum vortex. BINGO! I was just watching a serial named “House M.D.” (I’d recommend it, if you’re wondering whether it’s worth watching rather than reading this article!).The protagonist of the serial is a natural at one particular form of human expression that will form the crux of this article from now on. I think I’d be fulfilling a childhood dream and living the fantasy of at least one Ed board member for sure by writing a short article on my favourite form of human humour -“SARCASM”
Sarcasm is God’s greatest gift to mankind, rather man-not- so-kind. It is the art of giving people dog poop wrapped in pretty chocolate wrapper. Tone is the soul of sarcasm. The mental calculations involved in making your vocal chords function in the precise manner, to bring the effect, are pancreas-boggling.  Sarcasm without tone is like a toilet without a flush – it just stinks. The longer people remain oblivious to your sarcastic comment, the higher you score on the sarcometer. It’s an oh-so- complex technique highly intellectual mortals use to express their innermost emotions of pure evil upon oh-so- lucky listeners. It is equipped with an absolutely foolproof “Dude, what can I do if your highly evolved brain took it that way” excuse. Some people call sarcasm a lower form of lying. I’d say sarcasm is in fact the highest form of telling the truth to the average man, without the hassle of getting personal. While practicing sarcasm, remember one thing: Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.
Let me take you guys to anecdote land so as to make you truly learn the inner most realms of this fine art in the land of India(Run standard “Mystic India” background music in your minds, please.).This story is a standard textbook example of Indian sarcasm, so don’t be alarmed if you feel I’ve stolen it from your life.
I was sitting in B 301 with my hands folded in prayer. Prob N Stats test scores were to be given in a few moments. My jolly good friend (let’s call him Gokul just for the heck of it) prances into the room and jumps into the seat next to me. The Teacher comes and starts distributing papers. I receive my score first.”45/60” the paper reads.
Before I can begin the hopeless process of total rechecking, Gokul’s mouth spurts out, ”How much did you get ?”.
I answer in a slightly subdued , yet satisfied tone,”45”.
Like a bolt from the blue, he behaves ultra-shocked and says, ”Wooo...! You guys are the ultimate genius of the campus re! What do you eat to become such a prodigy? Many people LIKE ME are flunking, while you with a 45. Please teach me also no re! People like me can only manage to learn .0001 % of what you know. Today I’m pakka coming to your room at 7:00 p.m. Okay?”
Next comes innocent Gokul’s paper. Before I can ask him his score, he continues, “So appointment fixed ,right?”.
I say “Fine. I’ll help you as much as I can. How much did you get, by the way?”
In a dissatisfied tone, Gokul says “Only 58. It’s not fair. I did the problem correctly. I just skipped a few steps. Please help me identify those steps that are important. Great minds like you only can identify them.”
The logical portion of my mind went into self-destruct mode, on the spot. I mean, there is a LIMIT. Was Gokul being obscenely sarcastic without knowing it? Was he ignorant of his natural talent or was the wise guy just sharpening his skills with me as the scapegoat?
A few hours later, my Facebook status read, “Sarcasm is a deadly weapon. It’s apparently aimed at nothing, but it ends up hitting everything!”
Thus we come to an abrupt end of this article with a few path-breaking conclusions. Sarcasm will be voted “Best Form of Humour” and become the new world order by 2020. Indians have great potential at becoming masters at this art by 2015. They have raw talent, but THEY JUST DON’T KNOW IT. Sarcasm Coaching Centres are what I would strongly recommend, keeping in mind our honourable mentality.
Finally, Sarcoidosis is an auto-immune disease which causes permanent inflammatory symptoms. Try getting it. It’s mighty fun to have squiggly wiggly lumps in your liver!

 

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