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When A Love Atheist Found God

By Manudev Jain

Three years, two serious relationships, one fleeting relationship, similarity? End result: Dumped. Those were my high school years. I was a naive, rotund guy who knew he was put on this earth just to laugh. Life was beautiful. But then as I grew up, things started to change. A feeling that something was missing started creeping in. And in a month or so - all thanks to romantic desi movies - I knew what was missing. Yeah! I needed a girl-friend. At first I didn't pay any heed to this revelation, but then I came face-to-face with reality. The Hormonal play. Screw you Hormones! These bastards with Testosterone as their leader would sporadically go on strikes and shout: What we want? We want girlfriend!

So finally, (wondering how worse it can go) I gave it a try, picked the prettiest girl of the school and started working hard, really hard. Eventually I succeeded. Hormones were happy. It was all perfect. But just as every good thing, it had to end. Yes, I was dumped. It was painful, the worst I have ever heard, seen or faced. It continued for few days. But then I had a realization, a still bigger reality, and the law of continuity. One goes another comes. By the way, did I tell you I was a shameless little flirt? Yes I was. It came handy and soon I had this second girl, prettier than the first. The cycle repeated and again stopped at dumping. I was dumped, yet again! Haha.

Now I could actually understand, how worse it can go. The worst was there to deal with. I turned into a 'love atheist'. Emotionally barren. Love became just another commonly overused word. A word deliberately used and hyped by writers and movie-makers to raise their sales. The word had lost its meaning for me. Love is farce became an unchangeable reality.

Finally, school ended, and, there I was in college. Just like any other guy I had my fair chance to get a girl but every time I backed off. Eventually (and thankfully) the hormones all dried up. And high decibel laughter again became the new reality.
But this new normal was about to be disrupted. One normal day when we were sitting outside canteen (our usual place) laughing on random things and random people (Sorry people!), I saw a girl. Yeah yeah you guessed it right, she was pretty. Actually calling her pretty would be an understatement. This girl could well beat Aphrodite in her own game. She was un-earthly perfect. Okey, long story short I just sat there staring at her, oblivious of space and time. Finally, when I was done with drooling over her, my inner me abruptly said, ‘She is the one'. I replied, 'Haha, you fall for a new girl every other week, so better keep quite.' I couldn't completely persuade my inner self so we both agreed(a compromise) to qualify it as something 'more than crush'.

Days passed by, sitting outside the canteen waiting for the lunch became the new routine. I started waiting, just to have a glimpse of her. And believe me, her glimpse was enough to turn a normal day into the best day ever (weird, I thus had 15-16 best days). Everything started changing. But I guess my hate for love was so deep rooted that I didn't realize what was happening. Worse, I couldn’t talk to her, all the proficiency in the art of flirting was gone. I was rusty. All I used to do was look at her from the distance and smile. Funnily, she didn't even know I existed. She never noticed I was there. But what mattered the most was the glimpse, a glimpse that used to leave me numb every single time.

In all that staring and stuff, I forgot final year was coming to end. I was getting desperate. All I wanted was just to talk to her once before I leave the college. I mean, I was invisible for her. I wanted her to know that I exist. That was it. Only a desire not to end it all being an invisible admirer. Thankfully, my prayer was heard. Somehow I managed to talk to her. And God I was elated. That was the best-est day possible. Few days later, we talked again, and I knew I wasn't emotionally barren. I could feel something. Something I never felt before. During those little chat I realized, not only was she pretty she was beautiful. She was simple, kind, cute, enigmatic. And I was dazzled. I was now sure that yes, she was the one. I had never been more sure about anything else. But the fate was again to interrupt. The happiness was short lived. She soon told me she was in a relationship. It stirred me to the core. I stood there, still. I didn't want to move. I wanted to stand there and believe that I heard it wrong. In that small moment I cried till eternity and when I came back to my senses, I had to make a move and I did, I smiled and walked away.

Sigh! Now I’ll spend forever wondering if she will ever know, how I used to look at her from the distance and smile.

The love atheist had found his god to finally lose it forever.


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