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Idle Observer



Continuing my tradition of writing baseless non-sense I will reveal what a few celebs are doing this holiday season.
Charlie Sheen: The usual for him. Same old same old. Cocaine and hookers. Most people would get excited at the prospect of the romance of the holiday season. Not Charlie though. Coke and hookers as always. Romance of holidays you say? Charlie doesn’t wine and dine, that’s not his style. He snorts and cavorts. Like a pro!
Tiger Woods: I had heard Tiger Woods was pumped about celebrating Diwali. It made no sense to me. Sure he enjoys a good bang for his buck! Sure he enjoys oily wicks and flower pots but I still don’t.....ok I get it now!
Rajnikant: The usual for him this Diwali. He’s going to continue his tradition of setting fireworks alight just by staring at them. I won’t lie to you. There are times when he simply stares at thin air wondering why the “atom bombs” aren’t exploding.
Members of Parliament: Members of Parliament are going to light a customary sparkler each before hoping out loud that the country enjoys a safe Diwali. They will go on to advise us against burning money on harmful fireworks so they can burn it on statues for themselves, on T.V channels and the Swiss Bank.

Foot in the Mouth Moments:
Alex McLeish: Emile Heskey is like Franz Bekenbauer.
Sure and Pravin Kumar is like Viv Richards.
There’s nothing that can top that so I’ll move on.

As always I’ll give you, the reader, some more proof that we live in a crazy ass world.
“Adults puzzled by Hollister store that keeps shoppers in the dark with almost no lighting and ear-splitting music to create a club-like environment!”
• They should try this at Tata car showrooms. Might just help them sell a few more Manzas if the customers can’t see what it looks like.
• Bad idea to try this stuff in a cricket stadium. Batsmen can’t see anything; bowlers don’t know what the hell they’re aiming for and so appeal anyway. The umpire of course can’t see the ball and can’t hear the bowler appeal. Every once in a while he raises the index finger. The batsman can’t see this so he stays put. The commentator thinks this is a good time to talk about his personal problems. The scorer can’t make head or tail of the situation. So they decide result of the match on the basis of the Duckworth Lewis System, which miraculously makes sense in this situation
Berlin - Police arrest man who burned more than 100 luxury cars.
• This is Germany, where cars are considered more sacred than humans! PETA are full of lunatics who would prefer dating a dog over a human and Germany is full of Petrol heads that would rather sleep with a V8 engine (naturally aspirated of course).
Judge: Do you confess to burning 100 luxury cars?
Arsonsteiger: Yes your honour.
Judge: Was a Yugo among the cars you burnt? (The other witnesses cringe when the judge says Yugo)
Arsonsteiger: No your honour.
Judge: Any Pontiac Aztecs? (Some more cringing)
Arsonsteiger: No your honour.
Judge: Then you have no excuse. You’re hereby sentenced to 60 hours of community service cleaning Porsche Panameras!
“60 Elvises flee hotel during fire alarm at a public event.”
• You know what they say don’t you? Elvises have left the building.
• The fire alarms were triggered by a smoke-machine used in the performance. A smoke machine in an indoor location with smoke detectors. Yes I know what you’re thinking. The event management firm does recruit from a crack house.
Metallica concert cancelled after fans stampede and break through barricades.
Time for some lame Metallica references.
• They couldn’t master these puppets.
• Exit light. Enter crazy fans.
• The concert has been cancelled. Sad But True.
• I hope the organizers have learnt a lesson. Security is of paramount importance. Nothing Else Matters.
• Nowhere in Delhi will the fans hear Metallica play live. Wherever they may roam.
• On Sunday, When the 5 red lights go out the Indian Grand Prix is Goooooo! On Friday however, as the lights went out at the arena, it was simply a case of Fade To Black.
• Does this stampede count as assault and – wait for it – Battery?
• They broke barricades but they didn’t “Hit The Lights”
• If only they could refund the ticket money. It would be a nice gesture and Justice For All.         

Honoured to have wax statue at Tussauds: Kareena
• Incredible how life-like the wax statue is.
• There’s just no way you can the real one from the statue. They both look just as plastic.

MJ was probably addicted to Botox, says expert
• Expert my ass. If you came to this conclusion in 1990 you’re an expert.
• What next? Was Kurt Cobaine addicted to cocaine?
• Maybe this “expert” can throw some light on Elton John’s sexuality. Hopefully at a time when Elton John isn’t “doing it”
And on that colourful and gay note, Goodbye.

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Nishant Boorla
Sarcasm means the world to me. Yeah that's always a good place to start. I watch movies...a lot of movies! Sports nut and a die hard Manchester United fan. Highly opinionated and that shows in my articles.


 

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