Continuing my
tradition of writing baseless non-sense I will reveal what a few celebs are
doing this holiday season.
Charlie Sheen: The usual for him. Same old same
old. Cocaine and hookers. Most people would get excited at the prospect of the
romance of the holiday season. Not Charlie though. Coke and hookers as always.
Romance of holidays you say? Charlie doesn’t wine and dine, that’s not his
style. He snorts and cavorts. Like a pro!
Tiger Woods: I had heard Tiger Woods was pumped about celebrating
Diwali. It made no sense to me. Sure he enjoys a good bang for his buck! Sure
he enjoys oily wicks and flower pots but I still don’t.....ok I get it now!
Rajnikant: The usual for him this Diwali. He’s going to continue
his tradition of setting fireworks alight just by staring at them. I won’t lie
to you. There are times when he simply stares at thin air wondering why the
“atom bombs” aren’t exploding.
Members of Parliament: Members of Parliament are going to
light a customary sparkler each before hoping out loud that the country enjoys
a safe Diwali. They will go on to advise us against burning money on harmful
fireworks so they can burn it on statues for themselves, on T.V channels and
the Swiss Bank.
Foot in the Mouth Moments:
Alex McLeish: Emile
Heskey is like Franz Bekenbauer.
Sure and
Pravin Kumar is like Viv Richards.
There’s
nothing that can top that so I’ll move on.
As always
I’ll give you, the reader, some more proof that we live in a crazy ass world.
“Adults puzzled by Hollister
store that keeps shoppers in the dark with almost no lighting and ear-splitting
music to create a club-like environment!”
• They should
try this at Tata car showrooms. Might just help them sell a few more Manzas if
the customers can’t see what it looks like.
• Bad idea to
try this stuff in a cricket stadium. Batsmen can’t see anything; bowlers don’t
know what the hell they’re aiming for and so appeal anyway. The umpire of
course can’t see the ball and can’t hear the bowler appeal. Every once in a
while he raises the index finger. The batsman can’t see this so he stays put.
The commentator thinks this is a good time to talk about his personal problems.
The scorer can’t make head or tail of the situation. So they decide result of
the match on the basis of the Duckworth Lewis System, which miraculously makes
sense in this situation
Berlin - Police arrest man who
burned more than 100 luxury cars.
• This is
Germany, where cars are considered more sacred than humans! PETA are full of
lunatics who would prefer dating a dog over a human and Germany is full of
Petrol heads that would rather sleep with a V8 engine (naturally aspirated of
course).
Judge: Do you
confess to burning 100 luxury cars?
Arsonsteiger:
Yes your honour.
Judge: Was a
Yugo among the cars you burnt? (The other witnesses cringe when the judge says
Yugo)
Arsonsteiger:
No your honour.
Judge: Any
Pontiac Aztecs? (Some more cringing)
Arsonsteiger:
No your honour.
Judge: Then
you have no excuse. You’re hereby sentenced to 60 hours of community service
cleaning Porsche Panameras!
“60 Elvises flee hotel during
fire alarm at a public event.”
• You know
what they say don’t you? Elvises have left the building.
• The fire
alarms were triggered by a smoke-machine used in the performance. A smoke
machine in an indoor location with smoke detectors. Yes I know what you’re
thinking. The event management firm does recruit from a crack house.
Metallica concert cancelled
after fans stampede and break through barricades.
Time for some
lame Metallica references.
• They
couldn’t master these puppets.
• Exit light.
Enter crazy fans.
• The concert
has been cancelled. Sad But True.
• I hope the
organizers have learnt a lesson. Security is of paramount importance. Nothing
Else Matters.
• Nowhere in
Delhi will the fans hear Metallica play live. Wherever they may roam.
• On Sunday,
When the 5 red lights go out the Indian Grand Prix is Goooooo! On Friday
however, as the lights went out at the arena, it was simply a case of Fade To
Black.
• Does this
stampede count as assault and – wait for it – Battery?
• They broke
barricades but they didn’t “Hit The Lights”
• If only
they could refund the ticket money. It would be a nice gesture and Justice For
All.
Honoured to have wax statue at
Tussauds: Kareena
• Incredible
how life-like the wax statue is.
• There’s
just no way you can the real one from the statue. They both look just as
plastic.
MJ was probably addicted to
Botox, says expert
• Expert my
ass. If you came to this conclusion in 1990 you’re an expert.
• What next?
Was Kurt Cobaine addicted to cocaine?
• Maybe this
“expert” can throw some light on Elton John’s sexuality. Hopefully at a time
when Elton John isn’t “doing it”
And on that
colourful and gay note, Goodbye.
Nishant Boorla
Sarcasm means the world to me. Yeah that's always a good place to start. I watch movies...a lot of movies! Sports nut and a die hard Manchester United fan. Highly opinionated and that shows in my articles.
Sarcasm means the world to me. Yeah that's always a good place to start. I watch movies...a lot of movies! Sports nut and a die hard Manchester United fan. Highly opinionated and that shows in my articles.
