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You Ought To Know

This post took shape in my head around the time when Anna was the latest craze. On a totally different note, what happened to him? Or the Lok Pal bill? Don’t you just love how Indians seem to forget events like that so fast? (Yeah, I’m part of them, move past that). But enough about the really serious, caring about the world crap. Time to get back to the hate rant.
It became popular thanks to men like Mandela, Gandhi and thousands of others. It’s probably why we’re free as well. Yes, I’m talking about freedom of expression. And on some primal level, I respect that. The problem with the right to free speech is the part where people forget their boundaries. And I don’t just mean you and me. I’m talking about famous people, of whom others just can’t get enough. Well, thanks to that lovely right to expression, I’ve taken it upon myself to point out just a few of them, and what I’d love to say to said person assuming if we were to ever meet. Unloading a clip of bullets into them would prove my point much better, but I’m trying to be civil, despite all my cave-man inclinations, and use words instead.
Ekta Kapoor - One saas-bahu serial was fine, two on the air was tolerable, three was like having nails driven through you. Considering the number of TV serials she’s made and the number of years they’ve lasted, I’m surprised members of some desi TV loving spinoff of the Al-Qaida hasn’t tried to assassinate her yet.
Justin Bieber - words cannot express the pain and disgust you have made me feel over the years. And the odd part is, I’ve never heard of parents complaining about you either. Aren’t parents always supposed to complain about the crap their kids listen to? (My best guess is that they figured a 16 year old girl can’t do much damage). Hendrix, Cobain and others would spew insults at you, but they’re a little busy rolling over and subsequently throwing up in their graves.

REBECCA BLACK- Pretty much everything I just said about Bieber, but I guess that just isn’t insulting enough. For the lyrics that you wrote, I’m surprised that you had to wait till you were 13 to sing ‘Friday”. Most kids know the days of the week by the time they’re six. I’m just hoping the next time you sit on the rim of the back seat of a car, you decide to drive through a low tunnel. Just saying. Also, How’d you feel when even Bieber said he didn’t want to sing with you?

CHETAN BHAGAT- Obviously, being an actual engineering student, I can’t stand you. FYI: Not everyone who has pegs of neat vodka before exams screw them up. Sometimes those papers just turn out to be awesome. (I’ve a friend who says so) Your latest book is on sale for 20 bucks a copy (or so I’ve been told. It’s against whatever few morals I have left to go and actually find out for myself) Toilet paper is now more expensive. Take a hint and stop writing. (pretty please with a cherry on top?)
Kim Karda (something that I just can’t spell) – ok, it seems I’ve made a mistake by including her here. She’s part of my “Celebrities I adore and wish to meet and and do nasty things to” list. She’s just freaking awesome.

Stephanie Meyer - the thing about miracles is that they don’t come by in quick succession. You should’ve waited a few more decades until Harry Potter ended before printing that Twilight crap. Sparkly vampires? Seriously? Go watch Dracula or Blade for acceptable descriptions.
ARINDHAM CHOUDHARI- I’m not sure if I spelt the surname correctly, but who gives a f***? It’s not like he’s Kim what’s-her-name. First off, go for a haircut. Second, why in god’s name aren’t you advertising for a toothpaste commercial? Your teeth are so sparkly! If you do decide to keep the hair and throw in a few fangs, you could actually audition for the next Twilight movie (I’m hoping they never make it, but who listens to me anyway?) I haven’t written so much about the others yet, and I STILL haven’t started talking about IIPM , or as the casual reader might know it, the college that’s #1 in Global Exposure( WTF? Sasha Gray. Jenna Jameson. These are the names that spring to mind when one talks about global exposure. Not IIPM!!) . And how can I forget that you advise students to dream beyond the IIT’s and the IIM’s. I’m guessing you failed to get into either of them then? And, might I remind you, they’re still pretty much the best we’ve got.

Rakhi Sawant- Here’s what people normally need, to succeed. Dedication. Brains. Hard work. Good Looks (not essential, but apparently helps. Again, what would I know, I’m a wannabe engineer FFS, not a model! *insert appropriate smiley here*). It doesn’t hurt to know English either. Now let’s run through the list. It’s obvious the last one doesn’t apply to you. This makes your paragraph a little disappointing since you probably can’t even read this. I’m not too sure about your Hindi either. As for hard work and brains. You do find Baba Ramdev hot. The only thing you seem dedicated towards is trying to make the average sex hungry Indian (most people in my college) notice that you exist. Well, I guess you got that much at least. How’s that working out for you? I’m trying desperately to come up with a joke trashing Rakhi Ki Swayamvar , though I’m not able to put my finger on it. Advice anybody? How about Rakhi ka Insaf? I’m thinking something along the lines of, “how can SHE give advice to married couples?” though it just doesn’t show how much I can’t stand her.
And now we’re back to that awkward part where I have no idea what else to say. Seeing as I’m done insulting most of the people I want to, I guess it’s time to end it with some well meaning, clichéd bullshit.
*insert well meaning, clichéd bullshit here*
Disclaimer - The above article does not reflect the views of the author. He was forced to write it at gun-point, by people who shall not be named. He would probably say pretty similar stuff though. After all, he really is a wannabe engineer. But feel free to share the post. The author is sure that the one who shall not be named would love it if others read this.

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Vijay Narayan


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